Welcome to Italy, Ronaldo: A Survival Guide

image source here and attribution to Soccer.ru
Ronaldo my friend, welcome to Italy, but here are some important notes:

When you pass under a bridge and find a doll that looks like you hanging by a rope around its neck, don’t be surprised – it’s normal, they’re welcoming you.

If you’re in Naples and getting on the bus or getting off a taxi and they steal your Rolex watch, don’t be surprised either – they’ve been doing this to players for ages.

If you find one of your teammate players tied up and hanging on a PlayStation, don’t worry – it’s just a betting story gone wrong.

When you enter a dark stadium with no lights, don’t be afraid – that’s Napoli’s stadium. And when you play on a potato field that was used for rugby the day before, don’t be surprised – that’s Chievo’s stadium.

When they score a goal against you at the Olimpico and you spend half an hour running to reach the crowd, don’t ask why – the stadiums here are designed for all sports. And if it rains, forget everything you know about football and save yourself from the swamps that form.

When you’re in the final rounds competing with Roma and playing against Lazio, don’t be surprised if Lazio fans cheer for Juve and applaud you when you score against their team – it’s happened before.

When you go to stadiums and find them empty, that’s normal – the fans are either being punished or they’re on strike for factory workers or train station workers or anything that has nothing to do with football.

Don’t be surprised if you get a wrong penalty call and the discussion reaches Parliament – it’s happened before with other phenomena.

If you score an important goal in the 60th minute and in the next game the crowd doesn’t enter the stadium until the 60th minute, that’s normal too – they’re honoring you with this gesture.

Don’t be surprised if you score an offside goal and they keep talking about it in newspapers and among coaches until literally the end of the season, saying it’s the reason Juve won the league – that’s very normal here.

If you find your pictures on toilets and toilet paper rolls in Naples, that’s natural – that’s how they treat the opponent there.

If there are presidential elections in Italy and you find MPs voting for Totti, don’t be surprised – it’s happened before.

If after some derby or big match the police kill someone from the crowd and the story passes by, that’s also happened before, so no need to worry.

And finally… if Allegri plays you as a fullback, don’t complain and cry – you brought this on yourself.